The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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