yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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