the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
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You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
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Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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