conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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