a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
