I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
