i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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