pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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