mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
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"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
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He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
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