Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
