if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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