at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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