And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
