Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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