booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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