I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
