This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
