My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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