she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
