no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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