I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
