The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
