you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
