I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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