Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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