i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
