I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
