I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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