His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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