dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
