I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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