You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
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I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
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"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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