I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
