its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
