He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
