I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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