I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
