My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
