all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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