dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
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we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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