hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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