Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
