worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
we're so committed to being not committed
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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