So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
