New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
