I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We left the knife in your bed.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
