mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
