what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize