oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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