Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
