did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
