i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
