life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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