we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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